New Year’s Resolution 2019

I have waited until the final hour of 2018 to make the decision that I was going to type up a reflection about it.  I feel like that every year that passes New Years Eve/New Years means something different to me. When I was younger, it was exciting to stay up late (even though for the most part I had to set an alarm to wake me up so I did not miss it), when I became a teenager, it was one of the very few nights my parents allowed me to stay out past my curfew (best believe I had to be home at 12:30 the latest lol) My senior year, I got broken up with at 11:45 NYE then drove home bawling my eyes out, but by the time I got home I had dried my tears and pretended I was okay so I could kiss my mom on the cheek and make her feel special, even though I was completely heart broken.  The next year, I started making New Years Resolutions, the first one I actually kept was to quit smoking. Which I did. Cold turkey too. Sadly I started to smoke again after that but, it did not last too much longer because I quit again Fat Tuesday of 2010. That same year I had came to Colorado for the first time. This trip was the furthest I had ever been without my parents and it would be the longest I had gone without seeing my mom (8 days). That year I remember Lil Wayne performed when the ball dropped in NYC. I watched it on TV because we were snowed in. I didn’t mind so much because Angry Birds had just been released on my Apple Gen 1 Ipad. I had shit to do 😛  Fast forward to avoid rambling, ever since I knew I had the power to do whatever I wanted to do, I made it a point to make at least one resolution and do all that I can to keep it. I am not sure where my confidence has went within the past few years, but it seems that I have become this selfless person who goes above and beyond for another human being. It doesn’t even have to be my friend. Hell, it don’t even have to be someone I like, if you have the balls to ask me to help you with something, it is the God in me to do that. I am constantly getting my feelings hurt, losing friends, getting talked about by these so called friends, as if my haters don’t stay busy enough doing all they can to make sure I know my place.  When Lee got in his wreck, very few people asked us how he (we) were doing. I was kind of disappointed. People LOVE drama and to be nosey… why weren’t they doing so now? Even though the wreck shook our lives to the core, we gained so much from it. I started to regain a sense of myself again. I had forgotten how smart, crafty, philosophical and unique I truly am. I have always felt like a total outcast, reject even amongst people I do have things in common with or truly care about me. On the contrary, I have always been 100% comfortable with being by myself. I am more than thankful that I have a partner who is just as reclusive as me and doesn’t mind staying at home rather than run the streets. One would think after such a tragic event like the wreck things would start to get better, but everything only started to get worse. People we have known for more than a decade started turning on us.  It is already pretty difficult being selfless and loyal to your friends, but try dating someone who is just as selfless as you AND loyal to ANYONE. There are literally no boundaries and we don’t have much of a relationship, because we have invited everyone in the world to join us, because we want them to know that someone in this world does care and can or would be there if they needed us. Just by being ourselves, we allowed people to see that there are people in this world who are still kind and give without expecting anything in return. You have no idea how many times we have heard that they have never met anyone like us before, but later on down the line call us out of our name and tell us how fake and ungodly we are because we either decided to say no and choose ourselves for a change or cannot help or give someone something because we simply do not have it. Actually, that was last years New Years Resolution, stop giving our last dollar to other people when WE need it.  We definitely did not follow through with this one so, I am going to try it again this year but on another deeper level. I had claimed 2018 to be my year. I turned 30, I had moved half way across the country, I knew I had a purpose and I was going somewhere in my life.. That is how I felt in January.. It is now December and looking back at 2018…this has been by far the hardest year emotionally for me. I learned alot about other people, myself, and what is to come in the future. I am not claiming 2019 to be my year, but I am claiming it to be the year for once in my life I am going to be selfmore. Haha I have no idea what it feels like to put myself in all situations. I have never thought about thinking about myself first and then worrying about everyone else. Is that not insane?? Yes it is, because for more than 2 decades I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, manipulated, and heartbroken by the people I truly love. I have never really asked anyone for anything … okay I have but I always get rejected or get talked about for some reason because people think I am spoiled or rich which neither of those are characteristics I have experience in.  19 is my favorite number… by birthday is on the 19th.. Perhaps that is why I have always been so keen to that number. If you didn’t know, I am huge into numerology, and 2019 = 3… which is a divine number and also what my number changed to when I got my name changed (it used to be 7) By default of the universe, this year is going to be another surprising year, filled with never seen or done before events….but the odds will be in my favor. I am truly counting on this year to be jaw dropping. Why? Because the world needs a spark lit under its ass because I do believe we all have lost touch with our true inner selves. This year, I am stepping up into my purpose, and embracing it. I want to be different. I am dying for change, I am dying to live the life I want regardless if society, my parents or any one else who has an opinion thinks. I hope this inspires someone. If not, I have inspired my damn self because I made up the word selfmore and it sounds really dope and something I am truly interested in. 😀 Happy New Years!! ❤

Advertisements

Author: Southern Sunshyne

Christina Servant of Yahweh Lee Day is my wonderwall. 7/Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius 3(1) Nothing matters to me but helping anyone with knowing God and/or getting ready for Yeshuas return! as crazy as it may seem.. its crazy you're not crazy too!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s